Love isn’t about need–It never was
Lisa M. Avila, D.C.is a new contributor at Mind Key. As a Certified Applied Kinesiologist working and living in New York, Lisa brings her unique viewpoint to bear on the Mind Key Community.
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I read a Facebook post recently that gave me tremendous pause…initially, I chose not to respond and possibly ignite a social media war, but the post has stuck in my head and I found that I was unable to resist an invitation from Danielle Rose to write a short commentary on it.
The post was a remark on why people who have been alone for a period of time are the hardest to love, because they no longer need companionship….This remark hit me wrong for a host of reasons, the first of which is that it is presumptive. It assumes that anyone who has had a period of time of solitude fundamentally suffers in his or her outlook on love and relationship. The truth of the matter is that we, as a society, need to stop looking on solitude with negative judgment and instead realize that there is a big difference between being lonely and being alone. Society tells us in ways both subtle and overt, that if we are not paired in relationship, that we are therefore lonely. It is up to us, however, if we decide to agree with that message.
The second issue that I took with this statement was part of “no longer needing” companionship as being a bad thing. What we need, if anything, is to thoroughly understand the difference between needing companionship and wanting companionship. Do we still live in a time where we haven’t discerned the difference between choices made when we need when we want? Do we not yet know that when we need, we make choices out of desperation and fear? Haven’t we learned yet that when we want, we reach towards our goals from a more balanced place, capable of making decisions that serve us infinitely better than when we are desperate?
The idea of being desperate for a relationship is one that is perpetuated throughout all forms of media, including social. But what if we started looking at the subject of romantic relationships differently, and instead decided that nothing trumps the quality of partnership that is truly a good match for us, rather than simply securing a boyfriend, girlfriend, husband or wife? That compatibility in romantic partnership was much more important than filling the vacancy beside you?
And finally, if we did get to that place, wouldn’t we be able to teach ourselves and our children to relax around relationships, not nervously rush to “close the deal” as soon as possible with someone who only looks good on paper…?
Real, true love is not about need; it never was…
