Dealing with a toxic family during the holidays

The phrase ‘in-laws’ can send a chill up many spines. A survey by Porch shows only 47% of in-laws get along with each other. But it doesn’t have to be in-laws that you’re at odds with. Extended family members could also push your buttons, which is totally normal. No family is perfect. Because dealing with toxic family members over the holidays (or anytime) is a topic that doesn’t ever really go away, we’ve decided to bring back our surviving holidays with toxic family guide just in time for those dinners and get-togethers you just can’t seem to avoid. 

Keep reading to learn more on how to keep toxic family at bay and stay (mentally!) healthy this holiday season.

The surviving holidays with toxic family guide

Holidays can be tough on families. Getting everyone together in one room has the potential to trigger even the most well adjusted. Sometimes the most obvious choice for holiday survival with toxic family is the most difficult: avoid gatherings where the family member will be. As Rachel Zoffness Ph.D. wrote in her 2019 article in Psychology Today, your time is precious, and sometimes that most precious commodity is better spent elsewhere than navigating bad behavior.  When that isn’t possible, boundaries and action plans can save the day.

But toxic family holiday survival doesn’t have to be all about avoidance. When avoiding toxic family members isn’t possible, practicable or desirable, some thoughtful preparation can provide the tools needed for holiday survival in the face of Aunt Joan’s next meltdown. 

Tip #1: Prepare for surviving holidays with toxic family

We know ourselves best. So rather than trying to (usually unsuccessfully) manage other people’s behavior, the best thing we can do is deep dive into our own. If you know that your mother’s nagging, your sister’s one-upping or your brother’s snide remarks are likely to trigger you, then prepare for them ahead of time. Plan out responses, pre-make a list of easy-to-access self-care activities (walking the dog, holding your sister’s baby, calling a friend, or finding a quiet corner to play Candy Crush), and remember your coping tools (we all have them, and this is not the time to take them lightly!). 

The US Department of Health and Human Services “Action Planning for Recovery” pamphlet suggests a daily maintenance outline to ensure that you are at your most optimal. Gleaning tips from it can go a long way toward surviving holidays with toxic family.

Tip #2: Give up on expectations 

It’s one thing to invest time into finding, making or hunting down a gift for someone who will appreciate the gesture. It’s quite another to drive yourself crazy trying to please the unpleasable. Sometimes the best gift is no gift at all. “We decided not to do gifts this year,” is a completely suitable response. 

It’s also okay to have a meal catered rather than cook, or to bring your own tofurky to grandma’s house. It’s likely that no matter what you do, you won’t get any closer to pleasing the unpleasable, so why not spend your time and energy where you feel it’s best deserved. 

Tip #3: Toxic politics? Dig deeper…

Know a political naysayer just seeking to rile up the family dinner? These toxic family members can often be some of the most difficult to navigate. Jeanne Safer is a psychologist who is also in a blended political marriage—she is a Democrat and her husband is a staunch Republican. She believes …. CONTINUE READING …